Dating Advice
Red Flags
So what makes a couple a “disaster”? In his 50+ years of research, Dr. John Gottman identified four specific relationship-destroying communication patterns. He named them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Look for the presence of The Four Horsemen in your dating partner:
- Criticism – They describe your character flaws and verbally attack you.
- Defensiveness – They victimize themselves to reverse blame and do not take responsibility for their part.
- Contempt – They belittle you and take a superior position.
Stonewalling – They shut down or shut you out during hard conversations
Green Flags
Thankfully, Dr. Gottman didn’t stop with studying the disasters of relationships. He also wanted to know what it was the masters did differently. In the research, he found the antidotes to the Four Horsemen, which are counteractive behaviors for each of the above.
When you are getting to know someone, look for these. It’s a good sign they can manage conflict and show you respect, even when you differ.
- Gentle Startups – They talk about feelings using “I” statements and without blame.
- Building a Culture of Appreciation – They appreciate positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions. They respect your feelings and needs.
- Taking Responsibility – They accept your perspective and take responsibility for any wrongdoing.n.
Physiological Self-soothing – They know how to take a break to calm down during arguments or awkward situations.